Discovering that your child might be self-harming can create a wave of emotions which are difficult to control. You may feel guilt, anger, shame, frustration, disgust, confusion and even total devastation. It can be so difficult to comprehend why your beloved child might suddenly be hurting themselves repeatedly and all you want to do is to wrap them in cotton-wool and make them stop.
Before you do anything, you yourself need to press pause. Do not start immediately insisting to see their wounds or scars, or demanding to know why they are doing this; take a moment to absorb the information. This is not a situation when you need to react immediately, it is more important that you wait until you are calm, have a plan of what to say and where and when rather than rushing into it in a highly emotionally charged state and ruin an opportunity to open lines of communication.
Firstly, a child’s self-harm does not mean you are a poor parent, it is not a reflection on you so you must leave your own hurt and confusion aside. But self-harm is serious and is usually a sign that a person is in distress. According to the NSPCC website, it isn’t always easy to discover why children and young people decide to hurt themselves, in fact, they might not even know themselves.
“There are links between depression and self-harm. Quite often a child or young person who is self-harming is being bullied, under too much pressure to do well at school, being emotionally abused, grieving or having relationship problems with family or friends.
The feelings that these issues bring up can include:
low self-esteem and low confidence
loneliness
sadness
anger
numbness
lack of control over their lives
Often, the physical pain of self-harm might feel easier to deal with than the emotional pain that’s behind it. It can also make a young person feel they’re in control of at least one part of their lives.
Sometimes it can also be a way for them to punish themselves for something they’ve done or have been accused of doing.”
There are a variety of physical, behavioural and emotional signs of self-harm. The scars and injuries are often on the wrists, arms, thighs, chest or hips and often the young person will wear long-sleeved clothing – even when it is hot – to keep themselves covered up.
Physical signs can include
cuts,
bruises,
burns,
bald patches from pulling out hair,
picking at scabs so they don’t heal.
You may have noticed behavioural changes in your son or daughter and while each of these individually does not necessarily mean there has been self-harm, a combination of emotional signs along with physical signs should raise an alarm.
Behavioural changes can include:
Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
Losing interest in activities they usually enjoy
Avoiding activities where arms, legs or torso are usually seen (eg swimming)
Skipping school
Drop in school performance
Hiding objects such as razor blades, lighters, matches
Drinking or drug use
Emotionally there are likely to be a number of changes:
Big changes in mood
Depression, tearfulness and low motivation
Becoming isolated and withdrawn
Choosing to be on their own for long periods
Stop caring about their appearance
Low self-esteem
Your role
Early intervention is important and you need to step in early and encourage your child to get professional support, as it can become a habit or an addiction and repeated self-harm can lead to serious injuries and scarring. Self-harm can be a coping mechanism, with the physical pain easier to deal with than the emotional pain they feel. But while they might get instant relief of pressure from the ‘bad feelings’, the relief is short lived and is often replaced by guilt and new pressure; this is how the cycle continues.
But before speaking to your child, make sure you choose the right time and place. You need to be calm and non-judgemental and to react without anger or threats. It can be difficult for a child to make eye contact when having these difficult conversations, so choose somewhere where the conversation can continue while doing something else. A car journey, cooking together or even someone playing on their phone or drawing, takes the pressure off and often just allows the conversation to flow.
Child and adolescent mental health expert Pooky Knightsmith has put together an excellent clip of what not to say but also advice on what you could say to your child. This is one in a series of videos she has made and is an excellent starting point before you begin to speak to your child. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfRwez8ergg
The following video features young people who have self-harmed and parents who have had to support their own children and is worthwhile watching to hear young people’s own words. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=187&v=b4cPCcJ6o88
When you are ready to speak to your child calmly, the NSPCC website recommends the following range of steps:
Show you Understand
Don’t jump to conclusions or look for instant solutions
Reassure them that you are there to support them
Don’t make it seem as though this has caused a huge problem for you
Don’t say ‘the injuries aren’t that bad’ or ‘what have you done’
Don’t tell them to just stop it
Don’t take it personally, just show you want to help
Talk it Over
If they want to talk about it to you, sit down and listen
Let them speak and listen, without trying to take over the conversation
If they can’t speak face to face, they could put it in an email or write it down
If they struggle to speak to you, is there someone else they would feel comfortable talking to
Suggest they call Childline on 0800 1111
Discover the triggers
Try to get to the bottom of when and what makes your child self harm
Is it linked to the time spent online?
Addressing the causes is more effective than trying to remove all sharp implements in the house
Show you understand that self-harm helps them to cope, but that it is only a temporary relief
Explain that you want to help them with the problems that cause the self-harm, so they feel happier in the long-term
Build their confidence
Find opportunities to praise them
Find things they enjoy doing
Show you trust them
Although you may want to watch them every moment of the day, try to find a way to balance monitoring what they are doing and respecting their privacy
You need to ensure that if they continue to self-harm, they are cleaning and taking care of any injuries properly
Sometimes parents are able to make an agreement that they will tell you if they self-harm. You have to agree not to react negatively but to talk it through calmly
If they have a current wound that requires medical attention, do not delay going to the hospital
Choose carefully who to tell
Only tell people who need to know and you should speak to your child first
Help them find new ways to cope
Telling people to stop self-harming is not constructive, but sometimes alternative coping techniques can work.
The NSPCC has recommended:
Paint, draw or scribble in red ink
Hold an ice cube in your hand until it melts
Write down negative feelings then rip the paper up
Listen to music
Talk to friends or family
Take a bath or shower
Exercise
Watch your favourite funny film
More self coping techniques are available here: https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/self-harm/self-harm-coping-techniques/
Further Professional Help
It is important that you get professional help to support your child, starting with your child’s GP. They can listen, treat any injuries and give medical advice and can refer your child for specialist help if they need it.
Too many parents try and keep this hidden from their child’s school, but as self-harm has become more common, the school is highly likely to have had a lot of experience in supporting pupils and their families. There may be a member of staff who your child trusts or a counsellor to whom they can speak. If your child is at boarding school, you must speak to someone there, ideally the school nurse or doctor who can support you in liaising with boarding staff.
Childline has trained counsellors around 24/7 and can be reached on 0800 1111
Also, the NSPCC has experienced counsellors available on 0808 800 5000.
There are also some excellent apps available for young people and ‘Calm Harm’ has been highly recommended by young people and professionals working with them.
Finally, remember you are not alone and nor is your child. Stay calm, listen, don’t judge and reassure them that you are there to support and help them through this. We at Heywood de Ferrer are also available to support you, particularly if you are worried about telling your child’s school or want support liaising with them. Contact us here.
Much of the information and advice above has been taken from the NSPCC website which is an excellent place for anyone concerned about their child, to start:
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/self-harm/
Other useful websites include:
https://www.pookyknightsmith.com/
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.XQZQQdMzbjA
https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/self-harm/
