All children – and especially teenagers – will have those days when everything feels miserable. They arrive home and announce they hate school, they want to leave, they want to go back to their old school. For parents, it is difficult to know when to intervene and when a general dislike of school must develop into something more serious such as becoming a school refuser.
There is no doubt that the first few days or weeks of a new school can be a really difficult time, particularly if your child has moved to somewhere where they know few, if any, other students. This is when they cling to what they know, wanting to return to their previous school and they appear to be utterly resistant to change. But do not panic – don’t make any decisions and keep reassuring your child that things will improve.
On the last day of my daughter’s final term at pre-prep, all the parents were waiting outside for their final departure from the school. My daughter didn’t appear and the headmistress came out to bring me inside. There was my daughter, sitting literally clinging onto her desk and refusing to leave. I actually had to prise her fingers off the desk to get her out of the classroom and the school. A few years later after a house move, she changed to a new school where she knew no one and initially she hated it. The day I decided I would have to contact the school to get them to help, she arrived home asking me if I had called. I hadn’t, but the school’s excellent pastoral team had noticed her loneliness and dealt with it. An observant staff should be all over those initial wobbly feelings, but sometimes if your child is good at covering their feelings or if the school is big and your child is a little unnoticed, you may need to take action.
One of the worst things to do is to promise an end date, after which they can move if nothing has improved. We have had parents promise that if they are still unhappy by a certain time, they can switch schools, but all this does is guarantee their child doesn’t settle in, they just hang on until the promised date. Even if you do have a date in mind, keep it to yourself and don’t share this with your child.
When a child. Is unhappy and determined to move, do bear in mind that they will be sharing predominantly miserable stories. They will tell you everything bad that has happened, but neatly avoid anything positive – the school should be able to let you know whether you are getting an accurate picture of what is going on or a highly edited version. One of our students used to email and text her mother incessantly during the day but would spend the rest of her time happily interacting with her peers.
If after one to two weeks things do not seem to be improving, then definitely contact the school for some help and support. They should have provided a mentor or shadow to help your child integrate in the early stages, but sometimes this is where the problems originate, when the shadow forgets to be there or disappears to be with their own friends. Most schools are very experienced at supporting new students, but may need to be alerted.
Our Top Ten Tips are:
Listen to what your child is saying and try to get beneath the problem
Do not make any hasty decisions, reassure your child that it takes time to settle, but remind them that things will improve.
When talking at the end of each day, focus on the positives, what has gone well
Check whether your child knows the routines and procedures in the school, sometimes lack of familiarity causes anxiety
The school should have provided a buddy, a guide, mentor or shadow. Are they helping your child or are they disappearing to play with their own friends?
Do not promise a date when they can move if things don’t improve
Contact the school to ask for advice and/or reassurance about how they seem at school
If your child is deeply unhappy, investigate support within the school or a counsellor – their unhappiness might not be due to the school
If necessary, be prepared to look at other schools, but wait for at least a term
If it continues, arrange a face to face meeting with the school. Your child will not be the first to feel unhappy, meet with them to agree a strategy for ways to support them in school
For more detailed advice, or to speak to one of our team about your specific queries, please contact us now.
