Escaping London: The great COVID relocate

Credit: Michal Balog - Unsplash

This week’s news about the increasing number of families looking to move out of cities in the wake of the Covid-19 lock-down is unsurprising. Having lived through one lockdown and with the fear of another lurking in the background, it is not unreasonable to imagine a life in a beautiful house, with more space, surrounded by green fields and fresh air and your children gleefully skipping into your arms at the end of their school day.

 But a move away from London brings its own worries and top of that list is what to do about schooling for your children. Prior to the pandemic, we were often approached by families who were looking for something different to the pressure-cooker of the London day-school; a gentler pace of life and an idyllic setting for their children, where they could be happy and successful.  And in the new world in which we find ourselves, increasing numbers of families are getting in touch with us with these very thoughts. With more and more of us able to adapt our working lives to work from home, this is becoming much more of a reality.  

 However, many clients are understandably nervous. They have already spent years finding the right school for their child and now the prospect of finding a replacement can feel overwhelming.  We are so often asked: Where do you start?  Do we find the perfect home and then look for a school or choose the school and then look for the home? There is no easy answer, and much depends on your own circumstances and the specific needs of your children.

 Either way, it definitely helps to have an area in mind and the M4 corridor from Ascot to Bristol is becoming increasingly popular. Not only are there direct routes into London, but a fantastic range of schools, from pre-prep through to senior, small and personal to large and academic. While it is good to listen to the advice and information from friends and family and recommendations are always valuable, remember this is about your child, your choice and just because Great Uncle Wilbur went to a specific school it doesn’t mean it will be right for your children. Schools change and you will need up to date professional advice to help you with this huge decision.

 Before drawing up a shortlist of possible schools there are key questions to answer:

·      Do you want co-educational or single-sex?

·      Are you looking for a pre-prep, prep, senior or all-through?

·      Do you want a religious school?

·      Do you prefer day, full, weekly or flexi-boarding?

·      Which matters more, high academic results or pastoral care and co-curricular?

·      How important is subject range, sporting opportunities and the arts?

 Once you have the answers to these questions, you can start to build your list. Go through the school websites in detail, find out if there are open mornings or as we are increasingly finding, virtual tours which will at least allow you to get a feel for the school.

 The ISI inspection reports are worth a look at too.  Obviously the more recent the better, however, they can give an insightful view of values, ethos and teaching of the school alongside the pastoral offering and all of the co-curricular activities that are available.  They are written by a team of external independent inspectors.  Why not check to see if what the website says is echoed by the ISI report?

Credit: Illiya Vjestica - Unsplash

From this list, you can start to look at the schools which might suit your children. Don’t only look at the establishments with the well-known reputations, there are so many other schools on offer. You also need to check which schools have coped best during the pandemic, providing full education to their pupils despite the enormous challenges.

 The way you are treated from the very first telephone call you make to the initial time you drive your child down the drive to drop them off for their first day, matters. That ‘gut-feeling’ when you speak to someone, is as important as that first impression when you step inside the building. Even if you are unable to visit a school in person, try and speak to the Head if possible and certainly run through a list of questions with the registrar.

Questions to consider:

·      Do they have space for your child now?

·      How long is the waiting list?

·      What is the entrance procedure – bespoke tests or Common Entrance?

·      Are there breakfast or after school clubs?

·      If boarding is on offer, is it easy to book nights (for flexi-boarding) or to switch between day and weekly or full?

·      If full boarding, how often are the exeat or leave-out weekends?

·      Is there a Saturday school and is it for lessons or just for sport?

·      If you are looking at a pre or prep school, is there an automatic entry to a senior school?

·      Is there a school minibus (remember if you have children going to different schools, it might not be feasible for you to do the morning or after-school runs)?

 We are often asked whether the child should be part of the decision making and in general, it is sensible, but this obviously depends on their age. However, it is always our advice that as parents and guardians, you need to do the research before sharing anything with your children.  Select between 3 and 4 schools that you would be happy for your child to attend and then show them what they can choose. All too often, children will make the decision based on their friends (which is extremely important) or simply down to the colour of the curtains (true story - but we do not endorse this as an appropriate educational reason to choose a school)!

 If you haven’t found a property but have found a school, then why not consider weekly boarding (if it is available) while you focus on the house-hunting? This will allow your child to settle as soon as possible, make friends and benefit from a busy, active week and family weekends, allowing you the opportunity to work (or party if you wish) during the week and relish those special family times without the guilt and pressure of work.

 What is absolutely clear is that the M4 corridor is blessed with a vast array of outstanding schools for all sorts of children.  One size does not have to fit all in this education-rich part of our country.  Whilst it would be so easy to pick a huge number of fabulous schools for you to review, there are simply too many good ones and it is not as simple as that.

 If you would like advice or have any further questions do get in touch …..

Received a uni offer? Just press pause

We are urging A Level students across England who are still coming to terms with the cancellation of their exams this week to brace themselves for some tough decisions.

It appears some universities are already approaching students with offers for courses at their institutions with unconditional offers to study with them.

The cancellation of the exams currently means that the traditional clearing process post A level will be suspended this year.

Instead, universities who are keen to fill their places are currently choosing their own timetables to do so and some are proactively approaching students.

While we applaud any institutions taking the initiative to secure quality students, we advise Year 13 students to focus on their university of choice and approach them now to register their firm interest in a place.

While the schools and universities are in a state of flux about what shape qualifications will take, it may well be a case of seizing the initiative pending any award of grades. University departments have always valued personal contact and a show of enthusiasm from prospective students. 

Heads of Sixth Form should still be contactable if students are faced with unconditional offers now.

Students who were hoping to ‘clear up’ or adjust their university places if they secured better grades than they had been predicted, may well also feel confused at this point. We urge them to target their university of choice to register their interest.

We believe that this year will see multiple appeals to universities from schools and parents to secure children’s places at university as we move into uncharted waters.

But I don’t want them labelled…

It was almost exactly a year ago that I received a text: ‘they think I might have ADHD and dyslexia or dyspraxia’. My response of ‘WHAT? WHY?’ was met with: ‘Because I leave everything to the last minute, I’m not organised, struggle to focus, but I’ve been able to hide it by doing a good enough job in the end – have to go, speak later .‘

I thought ‘well, that could make sense.’  It was an hour or so later when I re-read the texts, that I realised they were not from my husband who was doing a month-long course in Strasbourg and was struggling to meet every deadline he was given, but from my daughter. And it was only then did I see the similarities between them.  Both always leave things until the last minute, can be extremely disorganised, planning is unknown to both, time-management is non-existent, and so on. While my daughter wasn’t poorly behaved in lessons, my husband was by his own admission a ‘total pain’ and as a result spent his years at prep school being repeatedly beaten with a gym-shoe on his rear-end, having his hair pulled (by one particularly vile teacher) and in one still sorely remembered incident, being hit unbelievably hard by the headmaster in front of parents after an ill-timed rugby tackle. ADHD wasn’t a recognised condition 50 years ago, but the official symptoms matched his behaviour exactly.

Fast forward a year and my daughter has this week finally been assessed with ADHD and possible dyspraxia, neither of which were picked up at all during her school years, but with the benefit of hindsight, the signs were there.

 She is not alone in not being identified until university – a large number of people with dyslexia, ADHD, dyspraxia and other conditions, are not identified until adulthood. In my daughter’s case, the school support and her own determination kept the symptoms largely under control and for her, the ADHD did not present in the more familiar way. There was no trouble in class, she was able to largely sit still – only when one teacher repeatedly refused to let her use her laptop for note-taking in the sixth form, was there any hint of an issue. And of course, the positives that come from ADHD were certainly present and helped her thrive: spontaneity, energy, creativity and inventiveness and the ability to hyperfocus when something really captured her attention.

 There is an understandable reluctance by many parents to allow their children to be assessed because they are afraid of them being labelled. They are worried that schools might lose sight of the child behind the ‘dyslexic’ or ADHD tag, not seeing who they really are. But having taught a huge number of children who have dyslexia, or dyspraxia, ADHD or a range of other issues, I can assure you that the benefits of being identified as early as possible outweigh the disadvantages.

 Let me tell you about ‘Anna’, whom I met in year 8. She had been shy and quiet in year 7 but became increasingly more difficult through that year, being disruptive, attention-seeking and openly rude to staff. Her behaviour deteriorated to the point that her parents were planning to move her to a different school as after temporary suspensions, she was on the verge of permanent exclusion. Considerable time was spent with Anna to try and get to the bottom of her behaviour which was far worse in some lessons than in others and it took almost a year to convince her parents to allow an assessment by an Educational Psychologist. By now she was approaching year 10, had a reputation for atrocious behaviour and was spiralling downward fast. Her grades were sliding and many were giving up on her – the future was starting to look bleak.

Finally, she was given an assessment. She was dyslexic, with a reading age of 8, but intellectually was exactly where she should be. She had managed to mask her difficulties by misbehaving because she was so embarrassed by her daily struggles and inability to cope with the work. When her parents heard the outcome of the report, her mother said that it wasn’t a huge surprise, as she herself was very dyslexic and so were others in the family. She had decided not to share this with the school – or her daughter – because she didn’t want her labelled. All it meant, however, was that her daughter lost several years of targeted support and received a different label as the ‘naughty girl’. Anna managed to get enough GCSEs to continue to A Levels and then to university, but her journey was made much more difficult than it needed to be.

 I follow another mother on social media who has resisted assessment for her son who has had serious behavioural issues both at home and at school because she was concerned about him being labelled. After many readers of her blog contacted her to say they recognised themselves in her son’s behaviour and what a difference help and support would have made to them, she changed her mind. Her son is now in the process of being formally assessed, which will give the family and the school the information they need. She has spoken of being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and the relief of seeing a way through the difficulties.

 What many parents do not realise, is that with an assessment comes guidance, advice and support for the school as well as the family. It gives parents a much stronger position to ensure that their child’s needs are being met. If those needs are such that they require a formal Statement of Special Educational Needs (SEN) or an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHC Plan or ECHP), the school is obligated to meet them.

 For many children – and adults – giving a name to their difficulties can come as a huge relief. Often, they know something is wrong, but think they are ‘stupid’ or ‘bad’, so to know that there is a cause beyond their control can help restore self-esteem and let them see a way forward. When my husband realised that he fits the profile of someone with ADHD, so many things fell into place. At his age, a formal conclusion is unnecessary but for students at university, a proper diagnosis can be hugely beneficial, bringing with it additional funding, support, time in exams and so on.

 A diagnosis should never be used as an excuse for poor behaviour, but as an explanation – it can be invaluable. Work with your child’s school to ensure their needs are being properly met and make sure you look for strategies to help support them. It is better to have a formal label than to have their self-esteem destroyed by always being known as the ‘bad kid’.

 For further advice and support please contact Heywood de Ferrer Associates.

Getting the most out of parents’ meetings

Parents’ meetings are a critical part of your child’s education, providing you with an opportunity to find out how things are going, to ask questions and to get a snapshot of progress across all subjects.

In primary school, it is easier to see your child’s teachers at different times – even at pick-up at the end of the day – and to have an informal chat or to speak about an issue which may have arisen, but that isn’t the best time to really check on progress. A formal parents’ meeting is an important opportunity for you, as the teacher will have the data, results, and examples of work ready to show you and to discuss.

As your child moves through the different school stages, parents’ meetings change dramatically. I have worked at one school where an entire day was given over to the process, with appointments starting at 8 in the morning (although I sometimes started at 7 to accommodate working parents) and would go all day without stopping until 4pm. That was a school with 2000 pupils and all parents across the entire school met on the same day. Other schools would have more traditional evening meetings and for one specific year-group at a time.

Some schools provide formal appointments and are excellent at time-keeping, even with a bell or buzzer to show when your five minutes are up. Don’t keep talking past your allotted time – but if you need longer arrange to either go back, follow up with a phone call or meet on another day. Others do not provide appointments and you need to hover, waiting for your turn to speak to a teacher. While this can seem annoying, in these cases the time-keeping tends not to be as strict, but it is still better not to let the conversation drag on and if there is still a lot to discuss, a further dedicated appointment would be sensible.

Before you turn up to the meeting and particularly if you have not had to make appointments, ensure you have a list of your child’s teachers. If you can’t see where they are located, ask one of the staff available as you come in, there is usually a range of senior staff available to help.  If your child has Special Educational Needs, make sure you speak to the head of that department even if they do not directly teach your child and don’t forget to see your child’s tutor as they have one of the best overviews of how they are doing in and out of the classroom.

Be wary of any staff your child says not to bother seeing or anyone from whom they tend to steer you away. Some youngsters can be most adept at keeping parents away from the one member of staff who is desperate to see them. When they have a large number of teachers it is quite easy to miss speaking to one or two.

When you are actually with a teacher, listen to what is being said, but then ask questions. While it is lovely to hear how wonderful your child is, how well they are doing, and how good they are in class, there are still questions to ask. Are they being stretched? Should they be doing extension work? What could they be doing outside the classroom?

Where things are not so positive and you hear about work not being done, or poor behaviour in lessons, try and get specific examples – particularly if your child is not with you. It. Is very difficult to address problems with your child if you can’t share exactly what has been going on. While hearing negative feedback can be extremely difficult, particularly if it is unexpected, it is important to listen and to ask the right questions. When is it happening, what have the consequences been, what is the school doing, what can you do to help? Try and form a plan of action and make sure you follow up on it. Arrange with the teacher for either a follow-up phone call or a way of getting in touch for an update. If there really has been a bombshell dropped, ask why you haven’t been made aware of this earlier. It may be that they were waiting for this appointment, but poor behaviour, attitude or work should not be passing by unnoticed and you are right to expect to be informed about this. Looking forward, arrange with the teacher that they (or the tutor or Head of Year) will contact you as soon as there is a further slip-up.

Our top tips for attending a parents’ meeting:

1. Review the child’s last written report & print out

2. Write a list of follow-up points you wish to cover and attach this to the written report.

3. Arrive with plenty of time and make sure you are aware of where each teacher is in the room.

4. Bring a notebook and pen to the meeting to make notes

5. Ensure that you are in the driving seat, asking what the teacher thinks about your child’s progress

6. Listen, Listen, Listen!

7. Once the teacher has finished, work through your list of questions, queries or worries.

8. If you have none, then perhaps you could ask about how they plan to ensure that your child is reaching their potential?

9. Note any agreed actions from your discussion, on part of the teacher, the child or you the parent

10. Follow-up your meeting

If your child has not attended the meeting with you, it is essential that you feedback to them honestly once you are home and while this is, of course, age-dependent, it is still important to make them aware.

1. Ask the child how they feel they are doing.

2. Do not sugar coat the meeting, be honest!

3. Tell your child the positives from the meeting.

4. Explain the areas for improvement to your child.

5. Draw up an action plan.

If you need any advice or support either before or after a parents’ meeting, please do not hesitate to contact Heywood de Ferrer Associates.

School Applications – deadlines are approaching

The deadline for applying to secondary school is fast approaching. October 31 is the deadline for all applications to state secondary schools, via an online form through your local council website. By now, you should have visited the schools you are most interested in, checked the admissions policy and be ready to submit your choices.

Make sure you use all the choices you are offered and don’t feel tempted to put just your favourite one or two choices, particularly if you are outside their catchment areas. This will not increase your chances of getting into that school, instead, it is more likely to guarantee that you are offered a place at a school with plenty of space (or in other words, where few people want to go). It is not worth the risk!

There is often an assumption that the highest achieving school will automatically be the best, but do ask yourself if it is really the best for your child. Sometimes smaller schools will offer better pastoral care, or additional support or might just be more appropriate.

Secondary school admissions timetable 2020/21

• Round opens – 11 September 2019

• Round closes – 31 October 2019

• National Offer day – school place decisions are made available – 2 March 2020

• Appeals closing date – 20 March 2020

• Late application closing date – 20 March 2020

• Mini admission round to consider changes – 3 April 2020

• Late appeals closing date – 17 April 2020

• Appeals hearings – May/June 2020

• Waiting lists maintained until 31 December

Primary and Junior School process:

If you are looking for a primary school, the admissions open for Reception entry on September 27 and for a transfer to a junior school on November 8. It really is worthwhile visiting the schools you are most interested in and while it is useful to hear about schools from other parents, things can go out of date extremely quickly if there has been a change of staff and it is always best to see a school with your own eyes.

Entering the school system can be quite overwhelming at first, especially as things will have changed dramatically since you were at school. There is much talk of Academies, MATs, pre-prep, prep, grammar schools and so forth all with no clear explanation. To help make it all clear and straightforward, Heywood de Ferrer has put together a comprehensive guide to the education system in England and Wales which you can download for free:  School Education In England and Wales.

If you want further advice on the best options for your child, please contact us as soon as possible for guidance on entering either the maintained or private sectors.

My Child has just started at a new school and they say they hate it … what do I do?

All children – and especially teenagers – will have those days when everything feels miserable. They arrive home and announce they hate school, they want to leave, they want to go back to their old school. For parents, it is difficult to know when to intervene and when a general dislike of school must develop into something more serious such as becoming a school refuser.

There is no doubt that the first few days or weeks of a new school can be a really difficult time, particularly if your child has moved to somewhere where they know few, if any, other students. This is when they cling to what they know, wanting to return to their previous school and they appear to be utterly resistant to change. But do not panic – don’t make any decisions and keep reassuring your child that things will improve.

On the last day of my daughter’s final term at pre-prep, all the parents were waiting outside for their final departure from the school. My daughter didn’t appear and the headmistress came out to bring me inside. There was my daughter, sitting literally clinging onto her desk and refusing to leave. I actually had to prise her fingers off the desk to get her out of the classroom and the school. A few years later after a house move, she changed to a new school where she knew no one and initially she hated it. The day I decided I would have to contact the school to get them to help, she arrived home asking me if I had called. I hadn’t, but the school’s excellent pastoral team had noticed her loneliness and dealt with it. An observant staff should be all over those initial wobbly feelings, but sometimes if your child is good at covering their feelings or if the school is big and your child is a little unnoticed, you may need to take action.

One of the worst things to do is to promise an end date, after which they can move if nothing has improved. We have had parents promise that if they are still unhappy by a certain time, they can switch schools, but all this does is guarantee their child doesn’t settle in, they just hang on until the promised date. Even if you do have a date in mind, keep it to yourself and don’t share this with your child.

When a child. Is unhappy and determined to move, do bear in mind that they will be sharing predominantly miserable stories. They will tell you everything bad that has happened, but neatly avoid anything positive – the school should be able to let you know whether you are getting an accurate picture of what is going on or a highly edited version. One of our students used to email and text her mother incessantly during the day but would spend the rest of her time happily interacting with her peers.

If after one to two weeks things do not seem to be improving, then definitely contact the school for some help and support. They should have provided a mentor or shadow to help your child integrate in the early stages, but sometimes this is where the problems originate, when the shadow forgets to be there or disappears to be with their own friends. Most schools are very experienced at supporting new students, but may need to be alerted.

Our Top Ten Tips are:

1. Listen to what your child is saying and try to get beneath the problem

2. Do not make any hasty decisions, reassure your child that it takes time to settle, but remind them that things will improve.

3. When talking at the end of each day, focus on the positives, what has gone well

4. Check whether your child knows the routines and procedures in the school, sometimes lack of familiarity causes anxiety

5. The school should have provided a buddy, a guide, mentor or shadow. Are they helping your child or are they disappearing to play with their own friends?

6. Do not promise a date when they can move if things don’t improve

7. Contact the school to ask for advice and/or reassurance about how they seem at school

8. If your child is deeply unhappy, investigate support within the school or a counsellor – their unhappiness might not be due to the school

9. If necessary, be prepared to look at other schools, but wait for at least a term

10. If it continues, arrange a face to face meeting with the school. Your child will not be the first to feel unhappy, meet with them to agree a strategy for ways to support them in school

For more detailed advice, or to speak to one of our team about your specific queries, please contact us now.

Passed your GCSEs but the school says NO?

It’s GCSE results’ day. After two – or even three – years of working, the results finally arrive for your child. They might not be everything you had hoped for, but they have passed the required number of subjects, so relief and congratulations all round. 

But then comes contact from the school which says the grades are not good enough and your child can’t come back for the Sixth Form. It might sound outrageous, but every year this happens to a number of students who are then left with an extremely short amount of time to find an alternative school or college.

It might be something you were aware could happen, but when the decision appears to come out of nowhere, you have no back-up plan and you are left  with just a couple of weeks to either battle your way back into the school or find a new option for their Sixth Form – where do you start?

Were there warning signs?

First of all, think back over the past year and consider whether this is a total surprise: 

• How well did your child achieve in their mock exams and how do those results compare with what they actually achieved in their GCSEs?

• What were their predicted grades and how did they differ?

• Has anyone mentioned specific grades that need to be achieved for entry into the Sixth Form?

• Have any concerns been mentioned by the school about your child’s progress throughout their GCSE studies and if so, what steps were put in place?

• Have you raised concerns about your child’s progress and achievement and if so, what was the school’s response?

• Did your child work consistently throughout the year?

• Did the actual results reflect the work put in by your child or have they been a total surprise?

Next Steps

Before accepting the school’s decision on refusing to allow your child to return, it is essential that you request a face-to-face meeting with someone senior at the school, to understand the rationale behind the decision and to discuss future options. It might be a meeting with the Headteacher or Deputy Head, but it needs to be with someone senior enough to have been part of the decision.

If your child failed to achieve the minimum level for the Sixth Form**  and this has been clearly circulated with parents and students, it is a more difficult situation. If there have been warning signs that their projected results were not going to be as strong as had been hoped and the school had notified you of this and the possible consequences, it might be difficult to argue that your child should continue at the school. But even if you were made aware of potential problems and there are no extenuating circumstances for your child’s results, it is still important to meet with the Head and other relevant staff to discuss the situation. They should be prepared to offer advice on the next steps and the available options, they might even make the appropriate introductions for you. Look into alternative schools, Sixth Form colleges and possibly re-take centres as soon as possible.

If your child has failed either or both of their Maths and English exams, this needn’t preclude them from taking A Levels, but they will need to re-sit whichever exam they failed until they achieve a level 4 or until they reach the age of 18. Again, the school should be able to support this, unless a pass in both is a prerequisite to continuing at that school.

However, if the school’s decision has seemingly come out of nowhere, there are a number of key factors to consider.  The following list should form an important part of the discussion between you, the school and your child:

• If your child has not received the grades everyone expected of them, are there specific reasons? For instance, chronic illness, specific circumstances which impacted their physical or mental health during the exams, or other special needs.

• Was it evident your child needed more support and if so, what was put in place to help them?

• Has the school failed to recognise any difficulties your child has been having?

• Have you contacted the school with concerns and what steps were taken, if any?

• Has the school given your child advice and have they then listened?

• If there were no warning signs of possible problems, why does the school think the results were too poor to return?

• What were the predicted grades based on and why does the school think these were not achieved?

• Were the predicted grades realistic or aspirational and was this made clear?

• If it is felt that the poor grades were an anomaly, does the school believe that with the right A Level choices, your child could still achieve strong grades?

• Does the school offer alternatives to A Levels? Perhaps A Levels are not the right option for your child and you should look into other options (see our next blog for more information on alternatives to A Levels, due next week)

From there a plan and the next steps can be agreed in collaboration with the school.  

Is trying to stay the right decision?

While the school’s decision may be a total shock, consider carefully whether this is actually the best place for your child to continue as a fresh start somewhere else might be the best decision.

Carefully weigh up the pros and cons or battling to stay. Their current school knows your child’s strengths and weaknesses, so should be able to motivate them appropriately. But, should they be somewhere which might be able to offer more appropriate support? These are questions which can only be answered in conversation with the school. If your child is determined to stay, is it possible to select different A level choices in which they are more likely to succeed?

If you would like advice on the next steps to take, or if you would like Heywood de Ferrer to support you in meetings with your child’s school, please contact us as soon as possible. The next week is critical in ensuring the appropriate and best decisions are made to ensure a positive outcome for your child’s future.

Watch out for part two next week:  ‘Alternatives to A Levels’.

** The minimum requirement for entry to VIth form is usually 5 GCSEs at grade C or level 4-5 including Maths and English, usually with levels 5-6 in potential A Level subjects. Selective schools and colleges, however, will often require up to 7 GCSEs at level 7 or above.

I think my child is self-harming – what do I do?

Discovering that your child might be self-harming can create a wave of emotions which are difficult to control. You may feel guilt, anger, shame, frustration, disgust, confusion and even total devastation. It can be so difficult to comprehend why your beloved child might suddenly be hurting themselves repeatedly and all you want to do is to wrap them in cotton-wool and make them stop.

Before you do anything, you yourself need to press pause. Do not start immediately insisting to see their wounds or scars, or demanding to know why they are doing this; take a moment to absorb the information. This is not a situation when you need to react immediately, it is more important that you wait until you are calm, have a plan of what to say and where and when rather than rushing into it in a highly emotionally charged state and ruin an opportunity to open lines of communication.

Firstly, a child’s self-harm does not mean you are a poor parent, it is not a reflection on you so you must leave your own hurt and confusion aside.  But self-harm is serious and is usually a sign that a person is in distress. According to the NSPCC website, it isn’t always easy to discover why children and young people decide to hurt themselves, in fact, they might not even know themselves.

“There are links between depression and self-harm. Quite often a child or young person who is self-harming is being bullied, under too much pressure to do well at school, being emotionally abused, grieving or having relationship problems with family or friends.

The feelings that these issues bring up can include:

1. low self-esteem and low confidence

2. loneliness

3. sadness

4. anger

5. numbness

6. lack of control over their lives

Often, the physical pain of self-harm might feel easier to deal with than the emotional pain that’s behind it. It can also make a young person feel they’re in control of at least one part of their lives.

Sometimes it can also be a way for them to punish themselves for something they’ve done or have been accused of doing.”

There are a variety of physical, behavioural and emotional signs of self-harm. The scars and injuries are often on the wrists, arms, thighs, chest or hips and often the young person will wear long-sleeved clothing – even when it is hot – to keep themselves covered up.

Physical signs can include

• cuts,

• bruises,

• burns,

• bald patches from pulling out hair,

• picking at scabs so they don’t heal.

You may have noticed behavioural changes in your son or daughter and while each of these individually does not necessarily mean there has been self-harm, a combination of emotional signs along with physical signs should raise an alarm.

Behavioural changes can include:

• Changes in sleeping or eating patterns

• Losing interest in activities they usually enjoy

• Avoiding activities where arms, legs or torso are usually seen (eg swimming)

• Skipping school

• Drop in school performance

• Hiding objects such as razor blades, lighters, matches

• Drinking or drug use

Emotionally there are likely to be a number of changes:

• Big changes in mood

• Depression, tearfulness and low motivation

• Becoming isolated and withdrawn

• Choosing to be on their own for long periods

• Stop caring about their appearance

• Low self-esteem

Your role

Early intervention is important and you need to step in early and encourage your child to get professional support, as it can become a habit or an addiction and repeated self-harm can lead to serious injuries and scarring. Self-harm can be a coping mechanism, with the physical pain easier to deal with than the emotional pain they feel. But while they might get instant relief of pressure from the ‘bad feelings’, the relief is short lived and is often replaced by guilt and new pressure; this is how the cycle continues.

But before speaking to your child, make sure you choose the right time and place. You need to be calm and non-judgemental and to react without anger or threats. It can be difficult for a child to make eye contact when having these difficult conversations, so choose somewhere where the conversation can continue while doing something else. A car journey, cooking together or even someone playing on their phone or drawing, takes the pressure off and often just allows the conversation to flow.

Child and adolescent mental health expert Pooky Knightsmith has put together an excellent clip of what not to say but also advice on what you could say to your child. This is one in a series of videos she has made and is an excellent starting point before you begin to speak to your child. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfRwez8ergg  

The following video features young people who have self-harmed and parents who have had to support their own children and is worthwhile watching to hear young people’s own words. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=187&v=b4cPCcJ6o88

When you are ready to speak to your child calmly, the NSPCC website recommends the following range of steps:

Show you Understand

• Don’t jump to conclusions or look for instant solutions

• Reassure them that you are there to support them

• Don’t make it seem as though this has caused a huge problem for you

• Don’t say ‘the injuries aren’t that bad’ or ‘what have you done’

• Don’t tell them to just stop it

• Don’t take it personally, just show you want to help

Talk it Over

• If they want to talk about it to you, sit down and listen

• Let them speak and listen, without trying to take over the conversation

• If they can’t speak face to face, they could put it in an email or write it down

• If they struggle to speak to you, is there someone else they would feel comfortable talking to

• Suggest they call Childline on 0800 1111

Discover the triggers

• Try to get to the bottom of when and what makes your child self harm

• Is it linked to the time spent online?

• Addressing the causes is more effective than trying to remove all sharp implements in the house

• Show you understand that self-harm helps them to cope, but that it is only a temporary relief

• Explain that you want to help them with the problems that cause the self-harm, so they feel happier in the long-term

Build their confidence

• Find opportunities to praise them

• Find things they enjoy doing

Show you trust them

• Although you may want to watch them every moment of the day, try to find a way to balance monitoring what they are doing and respecting their privacy

• You need to ensure that if they continue to self-harm, they are cleaning and taking care of any injuries properly

• Sometimes parents are able to make an agreement that they will tell you if they self-harm. You have to agree not to react negatively but to talk it through calmly

• If they have a current wound that requires medical attention, do not delay going to the hospital

Choose carefully who to tell

• Only tell people who need to know and you should speak to your child first

Help them find new ways to cope

• Telling people to stop self-harming is not constructive, but sometimes alternative coping techniques can work.

• The NSPCC has recommended:

  • Paint, draw or scribble in red ink

    1. Hold an ice cube in your hand until it melts

    2. Write down negative feelings then rip the paper up

    3. Listen to music

    4. Talk to friends or family

    5. Take a bath or shower

    6. Exercise

    7. Watch your favourite funny film

• More self coping techniques are available here: https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/self-harm/self-harm-coping-techniques/

Further Professional Help

It is important that you get professional help to support your child, starting with your child’s GP. They can listen, treat any injuries and give medical advice and can refer your child for specialist help if they need it.

Too many parents try and keep this hidden from their child’s school, but as self-harm has become more common, the school is highly likely to have had a lot of experience in supporting pupils and their families. There may be a member of staff who your child trusts or a counsellor to whom they can speak. If your child is at boarding school, you must speak to someone there, ideally the school nurse or doctor who can support you in liaising with boarding staff.

Childline has trained counsellors around 24/7 and can be reached on 0800 1111

Also,  the NSPCC has experienced counsellors available on 0808 800 5000.

There are also some excellent apps available for young people and ‘Calm Harm’ has been highly recommended by young people and professionals working with them.

Finally, remember you are not alone and nor is your child. Stay calm, listen, don’t judge and reassure them that you are there to support and help them through this. We at Heywood de Ferrer are also available to support you, particularly if you are worried about telling your child’s school or want support liaising with them. Contact us here. 

Much of the information and advice above has been taken from the NSPCC website which is an excellent place for anyone concerned about their child, to start:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/self-harm/

Other useful websites include:

https://www.pookyknightsmith.com/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.XQZQQdMzbjA

https://www.selfharm.co.uk/

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/your-feelings/self-harm/